A: Well I wouldn’t go that far, but I would definitely say we’re in the top 1% in the Herstory of the world.
V: Us one percenters have to stick together. We don’t like to name names of who we are better than.
A: Although we have been told on numerous occasions that we are bigger than the beatles … by which I mean of course beetles are small insects and we are human size.
V: Funny story actually. We all individually auditioned for China’s Got Talent. One of the judges Gao Xiaosong saw visions of a sonic trio of sorts – a supergroup if you will – and teamed us together in hopes of taking out the competition.
A: Unfortunately we were kicked out first round because we were not “technically” “citizens” nor supporters of the “Communist Regime”.
S: To this day I am disgusted by our treatment. I mean, we are citizens of the world for Putin’s sake.
A: Who the F*** is Pete?
A: Hands down, one hundred percent, Dawn Fraser. Next question.
A: It’s pretty clear we are already achieving our musical endeavours. So we are starting to branch out.
V: Sutro has recently released her own brand of skincare, SKBS: Scabies by SutrÔ. Unfortunately, it has already gone into liquidation.
S: Turns out it was more effective as a paint stripper.
A: So basically, we’re just trying to help her rebrand, build that empire back up from the ground and wholesale to Bunnings.
V: Over the years we have experienced a lot of success, heartache, failure. You know when Amaro released her solo EP, Slippery When Wet it nearly spelt the end for The Architects.
A: Well I just felt like music about slipping and sliding did not match with the aesthetic of the band. But it simply had to be released. No question in my mind. And I still stand by that, Valencia. But I acknowledge, I should have told you.
V: Let’s agree to disagree. What we can agree on would be Sutro’s ’07 meltdown. She shaved her head and lived in a chicken coop for 8 months. It’s taken her nearly a decade to recover.
S: (barely audible) Cluck cluck.
V: There’s a really amazing thing we discovered recently where you can drag and drop pre-made loops from GarageBand into the part where you can make a song, which has really opened doors for us sonically as three “technically untrained musicians”.
A: And for the lyrics we just do a quick mash on the keyboard of the Macbook Pro, for example “afs[pokjo”, and viola. A hit song is born.
V: Musical talent is subjective and totally overrated.
A: I always remember that great musical advice that Sophie Monk once gave us ‘If you can’t hit the note, just whisper’. It really has kind of defined our success today.
A: Is the Pope Catholic?
V: We won the Best and Fairest award at our local Volleyball competition. Sutro is great at Spiker.
A: Oh, you mean musical awards? Oh, of course.
V: Well, we were nominated for an ARIA in 2013 for our outstanding contribution in music for canines. Our Album ‘Musique for the Mongrels’ was revolutionary at the time and only featured sounds above 20,000 Hertz for the aural pleasure of canines.
S: Outside of music we also received Honorary Doctorates in fashion for trademarking the iconic black turtleneck.
S: When you’re that f***** up on cocaine, is anyone nervous?
V: The only time I ever get nervous is when I actually think about what we are doing. It’s revolutionary. I get so worked up that the audience isn’t ready for us, for our art. Will they recognise the genius in what they’re are about to see? You can never tell.
A: No. How dare you. We’re a serious band. This interview is over.
What: The Architects of Sound: Arena Spectacular
Where: The Blue Room Theatre
When: 7 – 11 February 2017, 9:30pm